Earn Yourself Some Good Karma

I am one of those people who happens to be blessed with some of the best friends anyone could ever hope for – and those are just my “standard” friends. Additional to those amazing people are my “upper circle” as I like to think of them. If I were Queen Elizabeth I, they would be my Robert Dudleys and William Cecils. If I were Hitler, they would be my Goebbels and Himmlers. If I were Homer Simpson they would be my Marges and my Lisas.

They pick me up when I fall down, they make me laugh till I cry and wipe away my real tears, they give me a hefty kick in the right direction when I lose the path and return my marbles when I can’t find them - although often after having thieved them in the first place.

These people are:

Benjamin Hutchinson – one of the most loyal people I have ever met, who has a tonne of patience and is willing to let me repeat myself over and over when I am obsessing over something small and trivial, and will only occasionally say “you really need to stop worrying about this”, and manages to do so without sounding AT ALL frustrated (a feat which has beaten many).

Sarah Helen Harris – I email this girl almost every single day. She is one of my longest standing friends. She never fails to make me wee myself laughing and yet she completely understands when to be serious, she is full of fantastic advice, most of which I fail to take and later regret not doing so. She is also a walking genius. Of epic proportions. And inspired me to start writing a blog, because her writing is soooo good.

Lynnette Jane Davies – One of the few people who stood by me at a time when I needed friends more than anything. Lynnie will defend those she feels need and deserve her support, and when she decides you deserve it then there is NOTHING that will prevent her from giving it. She is a strong, fantastic person, mother of one gorgeous child (inhumanly gorgeous, actually. Even my mum thought so and she’s a MASSIVE baby critic.) and soon to be Wed to the lovely Alex Davies (who is an absolute diamond).

I am an extremely Loyal person – a lot of the time this trait has been to my own detriment as I refuse to see the disloyalty going on in front of my own face. But in the case of these three they have more than proved themselves to be deserving of my loyalty.

So this morning, when I received a text from Ben demanding that I get on the phone to Lynnie and make sure she’s ok I was a) a little confused as Ben and Lynnie have never met and b) extremely worried. Especially as the wedding is only 5 days away.

It was with utter horror that I heard Lynnie explain to me that last night, at about 3am they were woken up by noises downstairs, and when Alex went to investigate he discovered their front door wide open and their house burgled. Their Playstation, Nexus tablet and various other expensive gadgets had gone, as had their baby son’s piggy bank and – worst of all – their honeymoon money.

The thieves had got in through the kitchen window, picked up a bag and shoved everything into it before leaving. The noise that had woken the sleeping couple was one of their cats in the kitchen - the door is normally kept shut to prevent the cats from getting in there and making a noise/mess. The police searched high and low for the the culprits but only managed to find two wallets empty of cash (but still with cards - although they have to be replaced) and one small child's piggy bank (hurrah!). Oh, and one empty bag used to transport items from the property.

So, as repayment for all of the good deeds that Lynnie and her husband-to-be have ever done for me, I have set up a website to raise funds to replace the honeymoon money, and some of what was stolen. BUT, I ONLY HAVE FIVE DAYS.

I am therefore calling out to all of my followers out there to please, PLEASE help.

If you’ve ever been married, are going to be married or want to be married, imagine that someone steals all your stuff while you are sleeping meters away from them, with less than a week before the big day. These guys don’t just need your help financially though – they really need to know that there are people out there who are as nice as they are, and that this planet is not just full of arseholes.

Do something nice for a complete stranger and click the link below, you’ll feel awesome afterwards.

https://fundrazr.com/campaigns/3Vgw2

Make-up Is Almost Pointless

As a lot of you are aware, I work as a Retail Designer in the Make-up and Fragrance industry. As a girl, I am thrilled to be working in this industry – I love make-up and I love perfume. I own a tonne of the stuff, from little cheap sticks of emergency Lipstick - bought on the go after I’ve realised that I have, yet again, left my own Mac lippy at home – to expensive foundations and concealers bought after spending three hours in John Lewis umming and ahhing about whether this foundation will really make me glow like a radioactive lab rat . Thankfully, it didn’t. I am especially proud of my collection of Barry M eyeshadow – I have around 20-25 of those little tubs of joy, and I aim to collect ALL the colours.

It seems that no matter how much make-up I possess there is always more to collect – new sciences, textures, effects and smells – and there are always new ones being released. Mascara is my pet hate in the make-up world. Every time I think I’ve finally found The One I’m Going To Stick With For Life, as my Mother has and her mother before her did, a new one is released and my old favourite is discontinued, and my hunt has to start again.

I know I am not alone in my make-up collecting. Almost every woman is looking for that miracle product. The one that really does hide wrinkles and blemishes and makes us look 14 again. The one that makes us loose that half a stone and changes the colour of our eyes. And so, when we’re watching the telly on a Friday night and an ad comes on by Lancome or Oil of Olay or Ulay or whatever they’re calling themselves these days, we’re instantly grabbed by their “laser lift and renew without lasers” tag line. We BELIEVE that their product is going to be THE ONE. We believe that they are finally being honest. That maybe, just maybe, if we go out and buy this product it REALLY WILL stay on our faces for three weeks and not smudge. Consequently our cupboards are full of products that don’t work, were expensive enough to warrant re-mortgaging our homes and selling the cat to the tramp that lives on the corner in exchange for a cup-a-soup, and smell like a strange mixture of seaweed, poo and vanilla.

What I would like to know is WHEN WILL WE LEARN? These products DO NOT WORK. The cosmetics industry will never make a product that DOES work. If they did, then we’d all stop buying any subsequent products meaning that they’d have to wait for us to ACTUALLY FINISH the tub of whatever it is we have before we go and buy a new one, rather than giving up half way through the current tub and leaving it at the back of our cupboards for the next 20 years.

We need to take a leaf out of the men’s book. Buy a product. ONE product, unless it is on buy one get one free in which case buy several of the same product. Do NOT diversify from this product. If it works, it works. We do not need to buy into all the gimmicky stuff with “highlighting crystals” in it. For one thing I’m pretty sure they’re just granules of salt.

Having said that the majority of expensive make-up brands are gimmicks and aren’t exactly Ronseal (they don’t do what it says on the tin!) It is far preferable to make the mistake of buying pointless expensive cosmetics than going to other way and buying cheap – tangerine coloured foundation.

Cheap make-up is patchy, never blends to your actual skin tone and makes you resemble a sick oompah-loompah. The eye shadows are so hard that you have to gouge it out of the pot with a spoon and the lipstick sticks to nothing but teeth, making it look like you got so hungry you tried to chew your own arm off.

The stuff available on your town’s market brings you up in a rash and if you get it in your eye you’ll go blind.

The mascara, my pet hate, glues all your eyelashes together to form one giant eyelash. In short, you end up looking like Frankenstein’s Monster gone wrong.

The final problem with the cosmetics industry is that the middle of the road stuff is just that – the middle of the road. It’s not good enough to make you feel special or light your face up like a Christmas tree, but on the plus side it doesn’t make you look like you’ve contracted the Black Death.

It’s almost bad enough to make me consider going bare-skinned, but we don’t want to emotionally traumatise small children. So for now, the cosmetics industry can keep stealing my money and giving me useless products in return – until I develop a cure for aging, that is.

Technologically Advanced.

Hello again everyone!!!

This is just a quick post to let you all know that I now have both a facebook page - Life in the Abstract  - and a twitter - @LifeInTheAbstra

Yes,it is annoying that I couldn't fit those two extra characters into twitter. No, I can't be arsed with complaining officially. I'm just going to complain to you instead. :)

Anyhoo, I am now far more technologically advanced, thanks to Bradley and Ben and their knowledge of such things as "twitterfeed" so I no longer have to post stuff manually. Awesome, isnt it? :D

I will see you with my next post, which is about how pathetic the Make-up industry is.

Innabit, Lovelies! :D


https://www.facebook.com/LifeInTheAbstract

https://twitter.com/LifeInTheAbstra

Clothes Always Look Better In The Movies.

I am the proud owner of not one, but two dressing gowns. Two dressing gowns and a house coat (a short dressing gown, meant to be worn over clothing).

I don’t know about everyone else, but when I think of a dressing gown, I always think of slim, blonde, 007 babes in silk dressing gowns that gape at all the right places, or those see through dressing gowns that show everything and yet nothing all that the same time – a fact that I find mind blowing. Yet in reality, I find that people in dressing gowns don’t even closely resemble their film counter parts.

When I put one of my dressing gowns on I instantly put that four stone back on, deveop a hunch, and it gapes in all the WRONG places, turning me into the least sexy person on the planet.

So this got me to thinking about other clothes that, like the dressing gown, make people look awful in reality but seem like such a good idea when you see them on tv, in adverts or, worst of all, the movies. In order to help my fellow women (and men, if you float that way) I have compiled a list of clothes that should NEVER, EVER be worn off-screen.

1. Thongs.

This is something that SO MANY women make the mistake of purchasing. But ladies, WHAT ON EARTH makes you think you look attractive when you have a bit of cheesewire slicing you in half and a look of constant worry on your face as you search for the next people free spot to de-wedgify yourself? Here’s the thing – you don’t. especially if you have that cheesewire displayed above the top of your jeans on show to the whole world. That just screams tacky. The only way you can get away with wearing a thong is if you are a size 6 and even then the look of abject terror as you wonder if you’re going to have to have an operation to remove the thong from places no underwear should ever go STILL doesn't look good. Go with some nice French Knickers – Classy AND comfortable.

2. Hot Pants.

Thankfully, there are far less women that make this mistake than there are for the previous point. But there are enough out there that I do, sadly, have to include this point.

HOT PANTS DO NOT MAKE YOU LOOK SLIM. Only slim people can wear hotpants – which is why everyone you see wearing them looks slim. You do not. So go and take them off and we’ll never mention this again.

Hot pants have this amazing ability to find themselves in the cracks of women who are SERIOUSLY large. On an average sized woman hotpants manage to increase the width of their thighs, cause muffin tops and add about 3 stone onto their weight. All of which instantly disappears the moment the hotpants are removed. Luckily, I have the solution. If you see Hotpants – RUN.

3. Nighties

Nighties are available from all good granny shops (e.g. BHS, Marks and Sparks, Charity Shops, etc) and, thankfully, most of us are well aware of the dangers these items of clothing pose. BUT, I have included this point in order to warn you all about the dangers of the Ann Summers Nighty. These dangerous items of clothing are often disguised as “Lingerie”. You are encouraged to purchase them in order to up your sex appeal and please your partner. They cost a fortune, are made of polyester and frilly, annoying bits of lace, and have around about the same amount of fabric as your average handkerchief. I have found (through personal experience) that you go into the store, try on and buy this frilly demon-of-the-clothing-industry. You take it home feeling pleased with yourself and then try it on again at home; preparing to surprise your other half. But somehow, during the journey from the store to your home, the item has mutated into the ugliest garment ever seen by man. You put it on and you instantly look like a sack of potatoes and for some reason your boobs keep popping out under your arms. Additionally it keeps twisting around your neck and trying to strangle you and you can’t work out why there are three arm holes and two neck ones. In NO WAY do you look like the sex goddess you were in the store, and you've just wasted 50 quid.

4. Boob Tubes

Boob tubes were obviously designed to show off how anti-gravity your boobs are. As anyone with boobs knows, this is an IMPOSSIBILITY. The only people who wear boob tubes are the flat-chested and the plastic. If you wear a boob tube and you are well endowed (such as myself) you look like you have one large stomach tumour and terrible dress sense. If you wear boob tubes and you’re flat chested you look like a 5 year old wearing her “party clothing” or a man dressing as a woman and getting it terribly, terribly wrong. If you wear boob tubes and you’re plastic… well, we wouldn't expect anything more from you really. Well done you - have a biscuit.

5. Leg Warmers

Leg warmers are probably the worst thing the 80’s produced. Worse than the terrible special effects put on Top of the Pops and those god-awful perms. They come in many luminous, violent colours and, for some unknown reason, every now and again we get them out of storage and all go around wearing them like we’re the Queens of cool. But all leg warmers actually do is shorten our legs and make them look stubby and fat. You may try pairing them with some skyscraper heels and a skirt that is pretending to be a belt, but all that does is make you walk in an extremely odd fashion as you try to not flash your parts or break an ankle. Additionally, they don’t actually keep your legs warm. They sit around your ankles, making them sweaty whilst the rest of your legs freeze and drop off.

6. Leggings/Jeggings

Leggings were also a terrible thing to have come out of the 80s. They were probably designed to make up for the Leg Warmer’s inability to keep your legs warm. Again, skinny size 6’s look FANTASTIC in leggings, as they show off every curve to it’s best. Sadly, for the likes of you and I, they also show off every lump, bump, and knicker line. They are NOT an excuse to wear a thong, mind you. If you try walking around in these wearing a thong, in addition to all your other lumps and bumps you will also have the look of abject terror on your face as you realise you’re never going to be able to find your pants again. This is another item of clothing that fat people believe they can carry off, when we all know that they really, really can’t. Every time I wear Leggings I live with the terror that, like so many other fatties’ bums, my bum is stretching the fabric so thin that everyone can see right through it.

Then, to add insult to injury, someone had the bright idea of inventing jeggings. Jeggings are just like leggings, only with the added insult of making it look like you’re either too poor or too tight to buy real jeans, or even worse – you’re too fat for real jeans. Stay WELL clear of these, ladies – WELL clear.

7. Hareem Pants

Are you in a hareem? No? Take them off. Idiot.

Although I could continue with this list till the cows come home, I’m going to leave it there. If anyone has any suggestions, disagrees with any of my points, or wants to add some points, please feel free to add a comment!

I hope that you all find this list very helpful and will avoid the listed items from now on...If you don't, feel free to email me a picture of you in them so I can have a good laugh.