I
don’t know about everyone else, but when I think of a dressing gown, I always
think of slim, blonde, 007 babes in silk dressing gowns that gape at all the
right places, or those see through dressing gowns that show everything and yet
nothing all that the same time – a fact that I find mind blowing. Yet in
reality, I find that people in dressing gowns don’t even closely resemble their
film counter parts.
When
I put one of my dressing gowns on I instantly put that four stone back on,
deveop a hunch, and it gapes in all the WRONG places, turning me into the least
sexy person on the planet.
So
this got me to thinking about other clothes that, like the dressing gown, make
people look awful in reality but seem like such a good idea when you see them
on tv, in adverts or, worst of all, the movies. In order to help my fellow
women (and men, if you float that way) I have compiled a list of clothes that
should NEVER, EVER be worn off-screen.
1. Thongs.
This is something that SO MANY women make the mistake of
purchasing. But ladies, WHAT ON EARTH makes you think you look attractive when
you have a bit of cheesewire slicing you in half and a look of constant worry
on your face as you search for the next people free spot to de-wedgify
yourself? Here’s the thing – you don’t. especially if you have that cheesewire
displayed above the top of your jeans on show to the whole world. That just
screams tacky. The only way you can get away with wearing a thong is if you are
a size 6 and even then the look of abject terror as you wonder if you’re going
to have to have an operation to remove the thong from places no underwear
should ever go STILL doesn't look good. Go with some nice French Knickers –
Classy AND comfortable.
2. Hot Pants.
Thankfully, there are far less women that make this mistake
than there are for the previous point. But there are enough out there that I
do, sadly, have to include this point.
HOT PANTS DO NOT MAKE YOU LOOK SLIM. Only slim people can
wear hotpants – which is why everyone you see wearing them looks slim. You do
not. So go and take them off and we’ll never mention this again.
Hot pants have this amazing ability to find themselves in the
cracks of women who are SERIOUSLY large. On an average sized woman hotpants
manage to increase the width of their thighs, cause muffin tops and add about 3
stone onto their weight. All of which instantly disappears the moment the
hotpants are removed. Luckily, I have the solution. If you see Hotpants – RUN.
3. Nighties
Nighties are available from all good granny shops (e.g. BHS,
Marks and Sparks, Charity Shops, etc) and, thankfully, most of us are well
aware of the dangers these items of clothing pose. BUT, I have included this
point in order to warn you all about the dangers of the Ann Summers Nighty.
These dangerous items of clothing are often disguised as “Lingerie”. You are
encouraged to purchase them in order to up your sex appeal and please your
partner. They cost a fortune, are made of polyester and frilly, annoying bits
of lace, and have around about the same amount of fabric as your average
handkerchief. I have found (through personal experience) that you go into the
store, try on and buy this frilly demon-of-the-clothing-industry. You take it
home feeling pleased with yourself and then try it on again at home; preparing
to surprise your other half. But somehow, during the journey from the store to
your home, the item has mutated into the ugliest garment ever seen by man. You
put it on and you instantly look like a sack of potatoes and for some reason
your boobs keep popping out under your arms. Additionally it keeps twisting
around your neck and trying to strangle you and you can’t work out why there
are three arm holes and two neck ones. In NO WAY do you look like the sex
goddess you were in the store, and you've just wasted 50 quid.
4. Boob Tubes
Boob tubes were obviously designed to show off how
anti-gravity your boobs are. As anyone with boobs knows, this is an
IMPOSSIBILITY. The only people who wear boob tubes are the flat-chested and the
plastic. If you wear a boob tube and you are well endowed (such as myself) you
look like you have one large stomach tumour and terrible dress sense. If you
wear boob tubes and you’re flat chested you look like a 5 year old wearing her “party
clothing” or a man dressing as a woman and getting it terribly, terribly wrong.
If you wear boob tubes and you’re plastic… well, we wouldn't expect anything more
from you really. Well done you - have a biscuit.
5. Leg Warmers
Leg warmers are probably the worst thing the 80’s produced. Worse
than the terrible special effects put on Top of the Pops and those god-awful
perms. They come in many luminous, violent colours and, for some unknown reason, every
now and again we get them out of storage and all go around wearing them like we’re
the Queens of cool. But all leg warmers actually do is shorten our legs and
make them look stubby and fat. You may try pairing them with some skyscraper
heels and a skirt that is pretending to be a belt, but all that does is make
you walk in an extremely odd fashion as you try to not flash your parts or break
an ankle. Additionally, they don’t actually keep your legs warm. They sit
around your ankles, making them sweaty whilst the rest of your legs freeze and
drop off.
6. Leggings/Jeggings
Leggings were also a terrible thing to have come out of the
80s. They were probably designed to make up for the Leg Warmer’s inability to
keep your legs warm. Again, skinny size 6’s look FANTASTIC in leggings, as they
show off every curve to it’s best. Sadly, for the likes of you and I, they also
show off every lump, bump, and knicker line. They are NOT an excuse to wear a
thong, mind you. If you try walking around in these wearing a thong, in
addition to all your other lumps and bumps you will also have the look of
abject terror on your face as you realise you’re never going to be able to find
your pants again. This is another item of clothing that fat people believe they
can carry off, when we all know that they really, really can’t. Every time I
wear Leggings I live with the terror that, like so many other fatties’ bums, my
bum is stretching the fabric so thin that everyone can see right through it.
Then, to add insult to injury, someone had the bright idea of
inventing jeggings. Jeggings are just like leggings, only with the added insult
of making it look like you’re either too poor or too tight to buy real jeans,
or even worse – you’re too fat for real jeans. Stay WELL clear of these, ladies
– WELL clear.
7. Hareem Pants
Are you in a hareem? No? Take them off. Idiot.
Although I could continue with this list till the cows
come home, I’m going to leave it there. If anyone has any suggestions,
disagrees with any of my points, or wants to add some points, please feel free
to add a comment!
I hope that you all find this list very helpful and
will avoid the listed items from now on...If you don't, feel free to email me a picture of you in them so I can have a good laugh.
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