So, I’ve been with TSG for almost a year and a half now, and
occasionally, we get the old, “How did you guys meet?” question fired at us. When
I explain that we met on Plenty Of Fish or, more generally, “the internet”,
more often than not people will then exclaim at how “lucky” I am to have
actually met someone on there. They explain that they went online themselves
and that no one would message them or that those that did were ugly/boring/crazy
and/or desperate.
Therefore I thought I might give people out there a bit of a
guide to internet dating for straight people, as everyone seems to be getting
it wrong, and it’s really not that hard.
1)
Your profile.
Ladies – I’ll deal with you lot first. Your
profile is too long. Men are not interested in what you named all 18 of your
rabbits when you were five. They like it short and to the point. What you like,
how you spend your spare time, what you do for a living. They also like it
funny. For added bonus points, do NOT put anything negative in there – It makes
you look negative and no one likes a negative person. No, “I think I’m ok
looking”, instead put, “I’m an attractive woman who….” EVEN if you’re not sure.
If you’re positive about yourself it encourages others to be positive about
you.
Gentlemen. Your profile is too short. Women
like to know all about you. They are VERY interested in what you named all 18
of your Rabbits. They want to know everything about you from the moment you
were born. A short profile with nothing of yourself in it will not attract the
attention of the woman of your dreams.
In reality all you need to do is look at a
selection of profiles from people of the opposite sex – your profile should
resemble these.
2)
Profile Pictures.
Again, ladies first. Your main profile
picture should be a photo of you, ALONE. Absolutely NO group photos. Do you
really think that any bloke is going to want to spend their time trying to
decipher which person in the picture is you? “NEXT!”. Make life easy for your
future man and get a pic of you alone. Second, NO SELFIES. These always looks
so contrived and false, they don’t show you at your most natural, or at your
best. And thirdly, NEVER have a photo of you not smiling as your main profile
picture. You want to give the person viewing you a positive reaction, and when
someone smiles it automatically makes others want to smile back, releasing
endorphins which make them feel happy. That happiness will then be associated
with you, encouraging them to contact you.
Gentlemen. The most common mistake you lot
make is to take photos with your top off, or your hand holding your top up.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!? Why the hell do you think a woman worth your time wants
to date a vain, self-absorbed idiot? Nope. Remove it. Next, again with the
group pictures. When I was online dating, if a bloke had a group picture I skipped
it. Most other people do the same. Thirdly, no selfies. See above. And again, a
smiling picture is more likely to get a response than a non-smiling picture.
3)
Contacting members of the opposite sex
One of the complaints about internet dating
I hear most frequently are from women who say, “No one ever contacted me”. When
I ask if they ever contacted anyone the answer is invariably, “no…”. Ladies,
WHY are you waiting around for the man of your dreams to just… fall into your
lap? Life doesn’t HAPPEN like that. For example, I contacted TSG first. I read
his profile, I liked it, I wrote him an email. It is THAT simple. It’s not
something to shout about, it’s not scary, and if they don’t reply, so what? You’re
never going to meet this guy, he probably wouldn’t recognise you in a crowd, YOU’RE
NEVER GOING TO SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN. So get off your backside and get emailing;
it’s worth it, believe me.
Gentlemen, Women will not email first. For some
reason, they leave it to you to take the initiative. I’m not sure why this is,
because then they complain bitterly when they get no responses and it makes no
sense whatsoever.
Secondly (and gentlemen, I know you’re a bad
lot for this but as women have never emailed me I don’t know if this is
something that they do too) if you send us a message containing one word – “hi”,
“hey”, “yo” or any derivative thereof – it WILL get ignored. This is because we
do not know what to say back. Responding with “hey” leaves us both in the same
position we were originally in and therefore we may as well not bother. In
addition, if this is the best you can come up with on a first message, we may
as well hold out for someone better equipped when it comes to imagination. The most
imaginative opening email I received was from a guy who sent me a list of
multiple choice questions, along the lines of “tea or coffee?” ranging from
normal things (such as the previous) to some cheeky/funny ones such as “French
Knickers or Thongs” (to which I replied that I prefer my men in french knickers
as I feel that thongs make them look silly). Please note that if you intend to
steal this method, it will NOT work if you push it too far, especially if the
woman you are messaging does not find it amusing.
The messaging part of the conversation is
the time where you start to cut away the people who are
crazy/boring/slutty/whom you will just NOT get on with. Don’t expect every
person who contacts you/you contact to be “the one” because nine times out of
ten, they won’t be. There are far more people out there who are NOT good
boyfriend/girlfriend material for you than there are perfect partners. These people
will find others who ARE their perfect partners, as will you if you keep
looking. It’s exactly the same as in real life. Not EVERONE you meet on the
street is going to be a good boyfriend or girlfriend for you, so why assume the
same with internet dating? That’s ridiculous. Therefore, keep an open mind.
Lastly, don’t get offended if people don’t
respond. Sometimes people find it hard to say to someone, “I’m sorry but I don’t
think we’ll click.” I personally made a conscious effort to do so, as I felt it
was only fair rather than leaving people hanging, and I wished them luck on
their search, but more often than not I received an extremely negative response
to this as people took offense to what they perceived to be a rejection. I can
therefore understand why some people do not respond to people they are not
interested in. However, it is NOT an insult for someone to feel that they won’t
get on with you. It’s actually ok. I’m sure you’ve met people who wanted to
date you but you didn’t want to date them but you liked them as a person and
didn’t want to upset them, it’s the same thing, but on the internet. They’re
not saying you’re a bad person, or that they think you’re ugly, or that they
hate you, they just don’t think you’ve got enough in common with them.
4)
Dating.
When you’ve chatted to someone enough to
decide you want to go on a date with them, you STILL can’t assume they are sane
or right for you. I went on dates with quite a few people from POF (the best of
them are available as blog entries here http://abstracted11.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/so-i-totally-had-date-number-2.html, http://abstracted11.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/never-date-chin-snogger.html, http://abstracted11.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/my-foray-into-world-of-internet-dating.html, http://abstracted11.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/the-possible-end-of-era.html) and although one or two of them just
turned out to be with gentlemen that, at the end of the day, I felt I would not
be able to date through a lack of “click” or due to the fact that they were
boring as HELL when detached from their keyboard-wit, many of them turned out to
be crazy people masquerading as sane people. Do not just assume that because
you got on online that you will get on offline too, because a lot of the time
that is just not true. It takes a really, really special person to be able to
get on both on and offline, and when you find someone that you get on with, who
also gets on with you, you know that you’re onto a winner.
Do NOT give up after the first
date-gone-wrong. It happens. A lot. But you can learn a lot from these
experiences, about what you do and do not want from your future partner, about
who YOU are as a person. For example, I learnt that I will not suffer a clingy
partner who insists on texting every five minutes and panics if I do not have
the time to respond. I will not date someone who accuses me of cheating on them
before we’ve even been on our second date. I will not date someone who rings me
up drunk in the middle of the night, or arranges to meet and then cancels half
an hour before. I WILL date someone who is caring, witty, relaxed, patient,
kind, thoughtful, exciting, who has the cheekiest, loveliest smile I have ever
seen, and gets himself into trouble in almost every shop we go in to due to his
innate naughtiness.
And at the end of the day, ladies and
gentleman, that’s what you are all looking for. Your very own SG. And he or she
is out there, but it is a case of being persistent and making sure that you’re
getting what YOU want in a person. If it helps, think of these dates as being
more like interviews than dates. You don’t have to let this person into your
life, you don’t even have to stay to finish your coffee.
Second most importantly, if the person you’re
meeting expects to go home with you, or take you back to theirs, get rid. They’re
after one thing and one thing only. Unless, of course, you are too. ;)
But most importantly, if anything feels a
bit off about the date, or the person you’re with, leave. You don’t need to
make excuses, you don’t need to feel bad, just leave. Always make sure someone
knows where you are and who you’re with. If someone is getting pushy with you
to get you to go on a date with them, do NOT go (yes, it has happened to me and
no I didn’t go). People will try to make you feel guilty and manipulate you,
but your safety and happiness is far more important so don’t worry about it. As
long as you’re careful you’ll be fine! And yes, boys, this means you too!
So, that’s about it. Good luck, have fun, and
most of all, remember that this is about YOU.
