An Easy Guide to Internet Dating

So, I’ve been with TSG for almost a year and a half now, and occasionally, we get the old, “How did you guys meet?” question fired at us. When I explain that we met on Plenty Of Fish or, more generally, “the internet”, more often than not people will then exclaim at how “lucky” I am to have actually met someone on there. They explain that they went online themselves and that no one would message them or that those that did were ugly/boring/crazy and/or desperate.

Therefore I thought I might give people out there a bit of a guide to internet dating for straight people, as everyone seems to be getting it wrong, and it’s really not that hard.

1)      Your profile.

Ladies – I’ll deal with you lot first. Your profile is too long. Men are not interested in what you named all 18 of your rabbits when you were five. They like it short and to the point. What you like, how you spend your spare time, what you do for a living. They also like it funny. For added bonus points, do NOT put anything negative in there – It makes you look negative and no one likes a negative person. No, “I think I’m ok looking”, instead put, “I’m an attractive woman who….” EVEN if you’re not sure. If you’re positive about yourself it encourages others to be positive about you.

Gentlemen. Your profile is too short. Women like to know all about you. They are VERY interested in what you named all 18 of your Rabbits. They want to know everything about you from the moment you were born. A short profile with nothing of yourself in it will not attract the attention of the woman of your dreams.

In reality all you need to do is look at a selection of profiles from people of the opposite sex – your profile should resemble these.

2)      Profile Pictures.

Again, ladies first. Your main profile picture should be a photo of you, ALONE. Absolutely NO group photos. Do you really think that any bloke is going to want to spend their time trying to decipher which person in the picture is you? “NEXT!”. Make life easy for your future man and get a pic of you alone. Second, NO SELFIES. These always looks so contrived and false, they don’t show you at your most natural, or at your best. And thirdly, NEVER have a photo of you not smiling as your main profile picture. You want to give the person viewing you a positive reaction, and when someone smiles it automatically makes others want to smile back, releasing endorphins which make them feel happy. That happiness will then be associated with you, encouraging them to contact you.

Gentlemen. The most common mistake you lot make is to take photos with your top off, or your hand holding your top up. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!? Why the hell do you think a woman worth your time wants to date a vain, self-absorbed idiot? Nope. Remove it. Next, again with the group pictures. When I was online dating, if a bloke had a group picture I skipped it. Most other people do the same. Thirdly, no selfies. See above. And again, a smiling picture is more likely to get a response than a non-smiling picture.

3)      Contacting members of the opposite sex

One of the complaints about internet dating I hear most frequently are from women who say, “No one ever contacted me”. When I ask if they ever contacted anyone the answer is invariably, “no…”. Ladies, WHY are you waiting around for the man of your dreams to just… fall into your lap? Life doesn’t HAPPEN like that. For example, I contacted TSG first. I read his profile, I liked it, I wrote him an email. It is THAT simple. It’s not something to shout about, it’s not scary, and if they don’t reply, so what? You’re never going to meet this guy, he probably wouldn’t recognise you in a crowd, YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN. So get off your backside and get emailing; it’s worth it, believe me.

Gentlemen, Women will not email first. For some reason, they leave it to you to take the initiative. I’m not sure why this is, because then they complain bitterly when they get no responses and it makes no sense whatsoever.

Secondly (and gentlemen, I know you’re a bad lot for this but as women have never emailed me I don’t know if this is something that they do too) if you send us a message containing one word – “hi”, “hey”, “yo” or any derivative thereof – it WILL get ignored. This is because we do not know what to say back. Responding with “hey” leaves us both in the same position we were originally in and therefore we may as well not bother. In addition, if this is the best you can come up with on a first message, we may as well hold out for someone better equipped when it comes to imagination. The most imaginative opening email I received was from a guy who sent me a list of multiple choice questions, along the lines of “tea or coffee?” ranging from normal things (such as the previous) to some cheeky/funny ones such as “French Knickers or Thongs” (to which I replied that I prefer my men in french knickers as I feel that thongs make them look silly). Please note that if you intend to steal this method, it will NOT work if you push it too far, especially if the woman you are messaging does not find it amusing.

The messaging part of the conversation is the time where you start to cut away the people who are crazy/boring/slutty/whom you will just NOT get on with. Don’t expect every person who contacts you/you contact to be “the one” because nine times out of ten, they won’t be. There are far more people out there who are NOT good boyfriend/girlfriend material for you than there are perfect partners. These people will find others who ARE their perfect partners, as will you if you keep looking. It’s exactly the same as in real life. Not EVERONE you meet on the street is going to be a good boyfriend or girlfriend for you, so why assume the same with internet dating? That’s ridiculous. Therefore, keep an open mind.

Lastly, don’t get offended if people don’t respond. Sometimes people find it hard to say to someone, “I’m sorry but I don’t think we’ll click.” I personally made a conscious effort to do so, as I felt it was only fair rather than leaving people hanging, and I wished them luck on their search, but more often than not I received an extremely negative response to this as people took offense to what they perceived to be a rejection. I can therefore understand why some people do not respond to people they are not interested in. However, it is NOT an insult for someone to feel that they won’t get on with you. It’s actually ok. I’m sure you’ve met people who wanted to date you but you didn’t want to date them but you liked them as a person and didn’t want to upset them, it’s the same thing, but on the internet. They’re not saying you’re a bad person, or that they think you’re ugly, or that they hate you, they just don’t think you’ve got enough in common with them.

4)      Dating.

When you’ve chatted to someone enough to decide you want to go on a date with them, you STILL can’t assume they are sane or right for you. I went on dates with quite a few people from POF (the best of them are available as blog entries here http://abstracted11.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/so-i-totally-had-date-number-2.html, http://abstracted11.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/never-date-chin-snogger.html, http://abstracted11.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/my-foray-into-world-of-internet-dating.html, http://abstracted11.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/the-possible-end-of-era.html) and although one or two of them just turned out to be with gentlemen that, at the end of the day, I felt I would not be able to date through a lack of “click” or due to the fact that they were boring as HELL when detached from their keyboard-wit, many of them turned out to be crazy people masquerading as sane people. Do not just assume that because you got on online that you will get on offline too, because a lot of the time that is just not true. It takes a really, really special person to be able to get on both on and offline, and when you find someone that you get on with, who also gets on with you, you know that you’re onto a winner.

Do NOT give up after the first date-gone-wrong. It happens. A lot. But you can learn a lot from these experiences, about what you do and do not want from your future partner, about who YOU are as a person. For example, I learnt that I will not suffer a clingy partner who insists on texting every five minutes and panics if I do not have the time to respond. I will not date someone who accuses me of cheating on them before we’ve even been on our second date. I will not date someone who rings me up drunk in the middle of the night, or arranges to meet and then cancels half an hour before. I WILL date someone who is caring, witty, relaxed, patient, kind, thoughtful, exciting, who has the cheekiest, loveliest smile I have ever seen, and gets himself into trouble in almost every shop we go in to due to his innate naughtiness.

And at the end of the day, ladies and gentleman, that’s what you are all looking for. Your very own SG. And he or she is out there, but it is a case of being persistent and making sure that you’re getting what YOU want in a person. If it helps, think of these dates as being more like interviews than dates. You don’t have to let this person into your life, you don’t even have to stay to finish your coffee.

Second most importantly, if the person you’re meeting expects to go home with you, or take you back to theirs, get rid. They’re after one thing and one thing only. Unless, of course, you are too. ;)

But most importantly, if anything feels a bit off about the date, or the person you’re with, leave. You don’t need to make excuses, you don’t need to feel bad, just leave. Always make sure someone knows where you are and who you’re with. If someone is getting pushy with you to get you to go on a date with them, do NOT go (yes, it has happened to me and no I didn’t go). People will try to make you feel guilty and manipulate you, but your safety and happiness is far more important so don’t worry about it. As long as you’re careful you’ll be fine! And yes, boys, this means you too!

So, that’s about it. Good luck, have fun, and most of all, remember that this is about YOU.

The Possible End Of An Era...

So, although I’m not going to put money on anything as I’d hate to jinx it, I believe I am coming to the end of my single and dating days.

I know, that means that you guys aren’t going to hear many more hilarious fuck ups from my “wild adventures” (Ha! Yeah right...) or about any more crazy guys... In some ways, this is a sad thing because I’ll have to actually put effort into thinking of what to write, in another way, I am blissfully in lust (and maybe more - in time) with the Sexy Guitarist, and therefore I am not complaining. Definitely not complaining.

No one told me about guitarists, so it has been a complete shock to me. If you don’t know, I would advise asking your friends (NOT family or co-workers!) in case you ever need to know.

At the moment we’re in those clumsy, shy beginnings, where everything is perfect and sweet and romantic, but one wrong move could spell DOOM. For example – if I were to do something slightly too nutty, like inform him of exactly how much I LOVE cats. I’m trying to bring that one in gently. So far, it seems to be going well, but I REALLY had to restrain myself last night when a cat entered the room we were in at one of his band mate’s houses. Most of you are aware, I believe, of how psychotic I get about cats. I am incapable of just passing one in the street. I want to own about fifty of the furry bastards, and a shot gun, rocking chair, porch and some whiskey. See, to my friends this anti social cattitude has become something of the norm. They’re used to the glazed eyes I get when talking about cats, see it as “just ellie” and move on. But this has serious scaring off potential partner risk. Especially if they are dog people. Luckily for me, I did a bit of digging and discovered that he is not adverse to beings of the feline persuasion. Thank god! Hurdle number one cleared.

Next, of course, is the worrying about whether you’re coming over as a bunny boiler. We all know that I’m quite chilled out in relationships as to what my partner gets up to in his spare time. I’m not a jealous kind of girl, and I don’t feel the need to know where they are and who they’re with every minute of the day, as long as I know when abouts they’re going to be home so that I know whether or not to start ringing the hospitals’ A and E depts. BUT... due to the fact that I worry that I may come across as being a bunny boiler, I over-compensate – I go right through disinterested and out the other side again, back into bunny boiler potential. So, a question such as “Oh, you’re going to see her? That’s cool, have fun!” becomes, “Oh, you’re going to see her? When? Not that I mind or anything. I do CARE of course, because you’re involved, but I don’t think you’re about to sleep around. Honest.” And the poor guy I’m talking to is left with the distinct impression that I was implying that I did not approve of him visiting his sister.

Of course, guys have just as many problems. Where us girls are just trying to act like sane people, guys have to act like they are good with emotions and stuff. Which, let’s face it guys, you’re really not. Unless you’re gay or have Mummy issues. Not to generalise or anything, but that is usually the way it works. So you poor things have to go around being “romantic” and not mentioning sport or farting in front of this girl you’re interested in for at LEAST a week. Believe me, I feel for you, I really do. And of course, you may manage to keep this up for a good long while, until you take her to meet your mates and you get sabotaged – “Did you know that Will can squirt his drink out of his nose so accurately it’ll hit the bloke behind the bar in the eye?” - yells one of your mates before you manage to garrotte the bugger. And then it’s week’s worth of effort down the drain.

And finally, the BIG issue, the “am I moving too fast for the other person” worry. When is it right to hold hands? When is it right to greet someone with a kiss? Or take the piss out of them without causing offense? And finally, of course, the “L-Word”. Generally, I take my lead from the other person when it comes to the pace of the relationship. But this will only work as long as the other person is not taking their lead from me, or we’ll both be stuck in this perpetual motion machine and will never get anywhere. Naturally, this does not count with the L-Word as it is such a big deal to me. I’ll say it when I am ready. Whether that be after two dates or twenty – I don’t care. I’d far rather be honest than piss about with someone’s feelings. And I expect the same from the other side. Maybe I’ll be ready to say it before them, maybe they’ll be ready to say it before me. It doesn’t really matter. Either way, both parties should be headed in the same direction, just at their own individual pace.

I think that one of the things that we all forget when we’re in this fresh, shiny and new stage of potential coupling, is that the other person is just as worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and ruining it as we are. The fact is that if there wasn’t a connection then you wouldn’t have got together in the first place. We should all just stop worrying and get on with it. Unless the other person turns out to be a secret, alcoholic, mass murderer with a penchant for eating worms, in which case – RUN!

Before I go, if there are any sexy guitarists out there reading this – I totally exaggerated about the cats thing. Honest. ;)

Now let's just hope that this blog post hasn't messed it all up... LMAO!