Being British is Harder Than it Looks

 

I am one of those people who is as insanely patriotic as your average American (no offence, but you guys are CRAZY when it comes to patriotism). The problem with being British and being patriotic is that it is an immensely complicated thing to do, as the correct way for a Brit to be patriotic is to complain like hell about EVERYTHING. Whilst doing this you must also remember that no matter how bad we've got it, we’re incredibly lucky. We could have it so, so much worse. We could be French.

Additionally, while WE are allowed to complain about everything, if someone who is not British DARES to comment, even if they have lived here for the past 15 years, they are out of order. They are practically trying to start a war.

As we Brits are well aware, our Government is crap. We have an idiot who got into power by riding a bike to work in control, a man who looks like he is wearing a ridiculous blond wig and does nothing but mess everything up as mayor of our capital, and a monarch (God bless her, I love the woman) who does nothing but sit around looking pretty on the backs of our world famous pound coins.

We spend our hard earned money buying second homes for members of parliament - paying tax on what we earn, tax on what we spend it on, and tax on it when it sits in the bank. We pay tax on transporting what we have bought (and just paid tax for) home (both for fuel AND the vehicle itself). We pay tax on storing it in our fridges and then we pay tax on throwing it away.

Yet we still somehow feel that we have got it better than every other country in the world. We still believe that we own Australia, Canada, America, India, and every other scrap of land in between (except Russia. For two reasons, a) you’d have to be nuts to take on those guys and b) who would want to live there anyway? It’s bloody cold!).

I think that the fact that we no longer own these countries is part of the reason for Britain’s lack of faith in our Government. We had it all – wealth, power, land – we were the best of the best. And then for some weird reason, we decided to be nice and give it all back.

Who DOES that?!?! America wouldn't do that. China wouldn't do that. All the other super powers would just use the international rule of “Finders Keepers!” But for some extremely weird reason, us Brits find that we need to be liked by everyone. We have some kind of mass personality flaw that requires counselling.

That’s one of the reasons we were so peeved with that big-eared idiot, Tony Blair, when he decided it would be a good idea to go to war just because the Americans told us to. He was so busy trying to get them to like us that he forgot about making sure the others liked us too. And we know that no one else likes us - hardly anyone votes for us on the Eurovision Song Contest (talent show my arse. I've seen more talented dog leavings than some of the acts on that show).

The only people who MIGHT like us are the Aussies, and let’s face it, a) they’re all bloody mental and b) they’re such a long way away it’s OK for them to like us because they don’t have to deal with us. Kind of like a distant cousin locked up in an institution. They can’t get at you, and you can’t get at them. Also, they don’t help us at all with the Eurovision, what with them not being in Europe.

The French still haven’t forgiven us for that 100 years where we argued a bit. The Germans think we’re idiots and they can’t stand stupidity (which I think is a bit rich considering certain events). The Irish haven’t gotten over the potato incident. Or the Protestant thing. The Spanish think we’re all easy, the Italians think we’re rude, the Russians think we’re trying to steal their oil (they’d be right about that) and the millions of little eastern European countries see us as a meal ticket.

Even the Americans laugh behind their hands at us, their “sidekick”, because if they said “go jump under a bus” we’d ask if they wanted us to use Stagecoach or First, or maybe they’re prefer to use one of their Greyhounds?

We’d be OK if we were a bit more like the Irish – lovable, friendly, chatty, drunk and a bit dim; but everyone’s favourite, slightly backward, drunk cousin. But we Brits, we don’t have that charm. We’ll beat you to death with politeness, we’re kind but we won’t show it, we’re clever but we don’t boast, we always try to do our best but have a habit of getting it horrendously wrong and most of all, we’re good, but never good enough.

So it is hard to be British. It is hard to know that we’re a country led by idiots, who are in turn led by even bigger idiots. It is hard to know that none of the “intelligent countries”, as I like to call them, like you. It is hard to know that every year, for the next 100 years we are going to lose the Eurovision. Every year we are going to have to deal with the shame. It is hard to know that we ARE good at some stuff, but because we’re British we aren't able to TELL anyone about it - that would be rude. And it’s hard to know that our best doesn't quite cut the mustard.

But the HARDEST thing about being British is dealing with the weather.

On the plus side though, we've got the Queen.