If I bumped into Derren Brown...

If I were to bump into Derren Brown today and he said to me “I can teach you how to control one emotion, which will it be?” I’d choose fear. Not ALL fear, because it’s probably a good thing that I’m scared to go near the edges of cliffs and things, especially considering my amazing lack of coordination.

So, we’re talking about the fear of little things, like what people think of me, performing, having no friends and the man with a machete in my closet who preys on people who are pretending to be asleep.

If I wasn’t afraid of what people thought of me I could tell people what I really think. I could perform in front of others with a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye. I wouldn’t worry about not having friends, which would make me confident, which would make people want to be my friend… and the man in my closet with a machete would realize that I really am asleep.At the moment I pretend I am confident. I am a little more blunt than most people I know, but I don’t want to be blunt; I want to be assertive. The problem with being assertive is that I fall into the circle of fear.

For example: I want to tell someone that I think that what they did was unfair.

Fear A - What if I’m wrong and it was fair?
Fear B - What if I hurt that persons feelings?
Fear C - What will that person think of me if I am wrong?
Fear D - What will everyone else think of me?
Fear E - What if there’s a man with a carving knife outside my bedroom window?


And so, after thinking all these things through I never actually get to the stage where I am assertive. Several times I have managed to utter the words that have been forming, but after all the build up of fear I end up blurting them out with a red face of shame and guilt; get all my words backwards and then often burst into tears of frustration and anger. If I have managed to prevent the tears I end up looking like an aggressive grizzly bear. In terms of communication that is; I don’t suddenly sprout fur and massive teeth and develop a penchant for honey.This is then added on to the circle of fear:


Fear F - What if I get all my words backwards again?
Fear G - What if I end up crying again?
Fear H - What if I look all Grizzly Bear-ish again?


This reduces the chances of me being assertive even more. 

Thing is, not being assertive helps even less. My mother, for example, always expect more from me than I am actually physically capable of. My grades were never good enough at school, I was always told “you’re putting weight on” (even though I was a size 10!), arguements between my brother and I were always my fault because I was “old enough to know better”. These are just a few minor examples and I know that she is only like it becasue she thinks I am awesome and therefore capable of being superhuman (I live in fear of the day she realises she’s wrong!).

Unfortunately this is still continuing today. For my birthday she’s paid for driving lessons. I have had my first ten hours, and things are going quite well. I seem to be relatively good at this driving lark. The other day I got a phone call from the mothership saying that she expects me to pass my test after the next 10 hours. The average person passes after 40 hours of lessons, and on their third practical test. My mother expects me to do it after 20 hours and on my first test.

Upon hearing this I felt my “assertive” gland attempt to boot up. What I actually ended up doing was being rude - ”You DO know the average number of hours before a test is 40 don’t you? And you know that the average number of tests taken is 3 I’m sure. Don’t be surprised when I fail.” (see, aggressive grizzly bear). Naturally, all this caused was a rise of anger and defensiveness in the mothership. After all, she didn’t have to pay for any lessons in the first place.

I do appreciate the lessons, really I do. But I’m now at the stage where I wish I hadn’t accepted because I’m under so much pressure to pass I’m making stupid mistakes and I no longer want to get in the bloody car. There might be a man in the boot with a garrotte anyway.

If I were more assertive I could talk to her and tell her that she expects too much from me. I am TERRIFIED of doing this.

Chances are I’m going to become a shrew type person with no personality and a fear of bears.

So Derren Brown, if you’re reading this, take pity on a girl who DEFINITELY has a man under her bed with a gun and teach me how to stop being so afraid all the time please?