Parents Mess Their Kids Up.

I don’t think parents ever realise how much stress they cause their children. The only reason kids are ever messed up is because of the parents.

I personally am very messed up. But this is not because I have a parent who treated me badly, or just didn’t care. It’s because I am absolutely positive my mother is insane.

I feel that you guys may need an example to explain why I am so sure that my parent is off the walls, so I’ll give you one. When I was about fifteen a pair of huge wood pigeons started to live near our garden, and every day they’d sit on our garden gate overlooking the fields behind us like a couple of lovesick teenagers watching a sunset. There they have remained year in, year out, with their offspring continuing the tradition. Lots of inbreeding in the pidgeons near us. I’m pretty sure one of them has three wings and an extra beak.

Despite this, ever since they nested my Mother has been drooling over them and exclaiming that she wishes she had an air rifle so she could have pidgeon pie (Please note that pidgeons in the country are not at all like their city cousins; they are clean and are about the size of a small van.). I never thought that this would actually happen because those pidgeons are so picturesque and sweet and they make lovely cooing noises in the morning, and besides, getting a gun for two shots seems a waste of money.

I was wrong.A few months ago I got a phone call from my deranged parent. “Guess what I’ve got! An air rifle!!!” As if she knows that this is not enough to shock me into a state of heart failure she then adds, “So far I’ve only managed to shoot a hole in my trouser leg, which is annoying, but I’ll soon have pidgeon pie!” A HOLE in her TROUSER LEG. Are you fucking KIDDING ME?!?!? How she managed to miss her leg is beyond me. How she managed to get the gun into that position and fire is even more confusing.

Naturally I hit the roof. ” WHY did you think you’d know how to safely operate an AIR RIFLE?!?” Her reasoning? “Well, I used to do crossbow for the county when I was younger, so I thought it’d be easy!” she states, cheerfully. CHEERFULLY! Now, in my opinion I feel that a crossbow and an air rifle are two very different things, I don’t know about you guys. And, although I have had basic training with an air rifle at scouts, I would not assume that I could transfer those skills to a crossbow. Because they are different. They have different mechanisms, are made of different things and fire different (although equally deadly) missiles. I think the important word in that sentence is deadly. They are DEADLY. Although my parent seems to be able to deflect bullets.

Despite my loud protests she has continued with her war against the tasty-looking-pidgeons. However, they are winning. A) They are both still alive and B) they now sit a few doors down where she can’t get them. 

The latest update is that she is gunning for the poor pheasants, who aren’t quite as clever as the pidgeons.

Now I hope you all understand why I am almost 100% certain that my Mother is completely barmy.