My Foray Into The World Of Internet Dating Isn't Going So Well...

Ok, So I set up an internet dating profile. I’m sure we’ve all been there and given it a go. So I thought, well, what’s the harm?

And yes, I have, thus far, had LOTS of responses. The issue lies NOT with the number of responses, but with the QUALITY.

I sent the following email (in various different forms) to three of the best people on this planet, as a request for much needed help -



“Hey Chicken!

Ok, I totally need your help. This is RIDICULOUS.

I’ve been on Plenty of Fish for a month and a few weeks now, and I’m having issues.

My profile on POF only seems to attract THREE types of men, none of whom I want.Type A) Well below my league. I don’t want to be a bitch or anything, but are these people serious?!? What on EARTH makes them think that they can catch me?! They’re probably really nice people etc etc who all have mummy issues and are completely desperate and needy. NO.

Type B) Fucking NUT JOBS. You know, the ones that SEEM normal, but then they release all their issues and before you know it you’re waking up with horse’s heads on the pillow next to you.

Type C) Fit, complimentary, claim to be “looking for a relationship” and you have to bang their heads against a wall before they admit that actually, they are only after “a good time”. And they ALWAYS think they’ve lied so skilfully and wonder how the hell you worked it out. The fact that you didn’t want to go on a date but wanted me to go round to yours to “snuggle” was a slight hint, mate. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!? Also, these people seem to be incapable of spelling their own names.

All the reasonably sane ones that I filter out from amongst the shit stains never reply. So I figure there must be something wrong with my profile. I’ve rewritten and rewritten it, to no avail. SO – I would REALLY appreciate it if you could have a look and see where I’ve written, “Girl, Ginger, Looking for Ugly Guy With Issues or One Night Stand With Hot Guy That Can’t Lie For Shit.” Because I can’t find it.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?
Anyhoo, Below is the text from my profile –



About MeHi,

I’m Ellie. I’m a 20-something designer, living in sunny Leicester with a pair of gerbils and a cat that isn’t actually mine, he just thinks he is. You try explaining to a cat that he doesn’t live with you - they generally ignore you unless you offer them food. So I have resigned myself to my fate. And anyway, every single lady needs a few hundred cats; I think it’s the law or something. Mind you, I also think you have to have a shotgun, rocking chair and a bottle of Jack Daniels - sadly, I am lacking on that front.

I like to think I’m funny, good natured, intelligent, caring and thoughtful. I work hard, but I like to get out and about a lot too. I enjoy travelling, going on road trips to new places, and doing new and exciting things.

I love to read, I have a tendency to forget where I am when reading and have been known to miss bus stops and train stations, which is always incredibly annoying to me, but hilarious to my friends and family.

I enjoy my music, I have a huge range, from the Beatles to Led Zepplin to Florence and the Machine and Muse to Reel Big Fish and Pendulum. Also a lot of Dubstep and chart music, as well as some RnB and Metal. All in all, I’m easily satisfied, as long as I can sing along. I really don’t understand music where people are either screaming at me or rapping at me.

I am a really creative person, I like to think outside the box and be spontaneous. Unless I don’t want to be spontaneous, but that only happens on rare, spontaneous occasions, which kind of defeats the point. I love excitement and adventure, but I also love to snuggle down on the sofa with a glass of wine and a take-away, a duvet and someone to watch a movie with.

I also have a really over-active imagination. I can’t watch Horror movies at all, as I won’t be able to sleep for weeks. The Weeping Angels on Dr Who scare me half to death!

I write a blog which I am told is hilarious, although I’m not sure if this is true or not. My friends may just be being nice. Maybe you can give me an honest opinion?

My new years resolution is to give up smoking by the end of the year. So far nothing has happened and I’m starting to wonder if I’m supposed to do something rather than it just magically happening?

Ok, I’m going to give up now - this is a lot harder than I originally thought! So, if you fancy a drink just pop me a line!


First DateMy ideal first date would be full of laughter. Maybe a comedy club? Or somewhere I can make a fool of myself and it would be considered normal. I would go with a thoughtful, considerate, intelligent man who likes to laugh and enjoys new experiences. Although, I’m really not fussy - I also enjoy going out for meals, to the cinema, theatre, or anything really. Easy to please, me!


HELPPPPP MEEEEE!!!!! LOL.

Lobe your FACE!”


I got some great responses, thanks guys!

The main point made was to remove the Crazy Cat Lady part. As it makes me look like a crazy cat lady. Whilst this is strictly true, I think it’s only fair that whichever gentleman I get my claws into gets eased into the situation gently. So, that part has now gone. (Sorry Monty!)

Next up, Length of email and excessive amounts of pointless information. I talk a lot. I need to get over it. End of story. (See what I did there?)

Thirdly, I need to remove the part about me being easy to please. It makes me sound like a slut. Given the chance… no, I still wouldn’t be a slut. I just wish I had that ability. It sounds like fun!

Another good point was that I should actually tell the poor fellows what I’m actually looking for in a bloke. Once again, I focused the whole thing on trying to be what someone else wants, rather than focussing on what I want. same old, same old.

But the best piece of advice I got was this - relocate. It’s not me people, IT’S YOU!!!

But, just in case, if there is anyone else out there with any suggestions, go ahead and let me know, cuz I’m floundering out here!